GOD LAUGHS TOO!
The day arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest goes away to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'... Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be TODAY and TOMORROW."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but.....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one," asks St. Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be TWELVE."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January SECOND,
February SECOND, March SECOND, April SECOND, May SECOND..."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Without hesitation Forrest replied, "Andy."
"OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I guess I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name 'Andy' as the first name of God?"
"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it when I was a little boy from the song,"
"...ANDY walks with me, ANDY talks with me, ANDY tells me I am his own..."
A father was reading Bible
stories to his young son.
He read, "The man named Lot was warned
to take his wife and flee out of the city,
but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked,
"Daddy, what happened to the flea?"
A father was at the beach with
when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand,
and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
A little boy asks his momma, "Do people come from dust?"
She said "Yes, dear, they do."
Well, do they return to dust when they die?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, they do. Why do you ask?"
He said, "I looked under my bed and there is someone coming or going!"
A little boy opened the big family Bible with fascination,
and looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible,
and he picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered:
"I think it's Adam's suit!"
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."
St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store. She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries. She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food. John Stevensen, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store.
Visualizing the family needs, she said, "Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can." John told her he could not give her credit, as she did not have a charge account at his store. Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation.
The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family. The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, "Do you have a grocery list?"
Louise replied, "Yes Sir"
"Okay," he said, "put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries."
Louise, hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.
The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down. The grocer staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, "I can't believe it."
The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more.
The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement. It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer which said: "Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands."
The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and placed on the scales and stood in stunned silence. Louise thanked him and left the store. The customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to John and he said, "It was worth every penny of it."
It was sometime later that John Stevesen discovered the scales were broken. Only God knows how much a Prayer weighs.
After the church service a
little boy told the pastor,
"When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,
Kevin, 5, and little Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus."
A Matter of Trust
During a flight between New York and Chicago, the captain made this announcement over the plane's intercom: "Our number four engine has just been shut off because of mechanical trouble. There is nothing to worry about, however, we can still finish the flight with just three engines, and besides, you will be reassured to know that we have four bishops on board."
An 86-year-old woman called the flight attendant and said, "Would you please tell the captain that I would rather have four engines and three bishops!"
No sooner had the captain clicked off his microphone, then a second engine quit. The captain came back on the PA system and said, "Ladies and Gentleman, it seems we've lost a second engine. I assure you that there's nothing to worry about. We've got plenty of fuel, and we're only half full of passengers, but we will be about two hours late.
A few minutes later #3 engine caught fire. The cockpit crew shut off the fuel to that engine, and activated the fire extinguishing system. The flames went out. "Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry about all the excitement. I assure you, there is nothing to worry about. This aircraft was designed to fly on only one engine, but we will be about 4 hours late."
Just then, the 86-year-old lady's husband turned to her, and said, "Just our luck. Pretty soon that last engine is going to quit, and we'll be up here all night!" ~ Steve Goodier ~
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:
Teacher: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God?
Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there, he doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. Teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)
Little girl: Did you see the sky?
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
Little Girl: Do you see her brain?
Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have one? ~ author unknown ~
FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT
II CORINTHIANS 4:7
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Windshield Wiper Lesson From A Child
One rainy afternoon I was driving along one of the main streets of town, taking those extra precautions necessary when the roads are wet and slick. Suddenly, my son Matthew spoke up from his relaxed position in the front seat. "Mom, I'm thinking of something."
This announcement usually meant he had been pondering some fact for a while and was now ready to expound all that his seven-year-old mind had discovered. I was eager to hear. "What are you thinking?" I asked.
"The rain," he began, "is like sin and the windshield wipers are like God, wiping our sins away."
After the chill bumps raced up my arms I was able to respond. "That's really good, Matthew." Then my curiosity broke in. How far would this little boy take this revelation? So I asked, "Do you notice how the rain keeps on coming? What does that tell you?"
Matthew didn't hesitate one moment with his answer: "We keep on sinning, and God just keeps on forgiving us."
I will always remember this whenever I turn my wipers on. Isn't it comforting to know that God does keep forgiving us. That all we have to do is ask Him to come into our lives and He will keep washing our sins away.
I hope each of you remembers this when you turn on your wipers ~ God does keep forgiving when we invite Him into our life. (reprinted courtesy of Roy Morley, http://mrmom.amaonline.com )
My grandson was visiting one day
when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
And one particular four-year old
prayed, "And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly down the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
**** Actual Entries In Church Bulletins ****
**** Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. **** Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
**** Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
**** Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
**** Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.
**** Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
**** A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
**** The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
**** The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
**** Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
**** This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
**** For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
**** During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
**** The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
**** The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth With Joy".
**** The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
**** This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
**** The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
**** At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
**** Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
**** Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
With a twist
One night I had a dream. The Lord and I were walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints went along steadily, consistent, rarely varying the pace. But my footprints seemed like a disorganized stream of zig-zags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures and returns. For a long time, it seemed to go like this. But gradually, my footprints came more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling his consistently. He and I were walking together, as true friends!
This seemed so perfect! But then an interesting thing happened...my footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus' were now walking precisely in His steps. Inside His larger footprints were my smaller ones. Jesus and I were becoming ONE!!
This went on for a while, too, but then, gradually, I noticed yet another change. My footprints inside His larger footprints seemed to grow larger. Eventually mine disappear altogether. Now there is only one set of footprints... we were now ONE! HOW EXCITING!!
We walked along, for a long time, just enjoying each others' company. But then, suddenly, the second set of footprints was back!! This time it seemed even worse! There were zig-zags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Deep gashes in the sand. A veritable mess of prints!!
I was amazed and shocked. I jolted awake from my dream.
Heartbrokenly, I prayed ... "Lord, I understand the first scene with the zigzags and fits. I was a new Christian, I was just learning. But as we got closer, You helped me learn to walk with You."
"That is correct", Jesus said.
"... and when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps; I followed you very closely."
"Very good. You have understood everything so far", Jesus replied.
"...when the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like you in every way."
"Precisely!" Jesus exclaimed excitedly.
"So, Lord, was there a regression or something? Our footprints separated again, and this time it was worse than before! What happened???"
There was a pause as the Lord answered me with a smile in His voice,
"My Child! You didn't know? It was then that we Danced !!"
~ Author unknown ~
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
(Hopefully this is the kind of thing that happens frequently... EVERYWHERE!)
A little boy about 10 years old was standing before a shoe store on Broadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the boy and said, "My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?"
"I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes!" replied the little boy. The lady took the little boy by the hand and went into the store. She asked the sales clerk to get a half dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought the items to her.
She took the little fellow to the back of the store, removed her gloves, knelt down beside the boy, washed his little feet and dried them with a towel. By this time the clerk returned with the socks, and after placing a pair upon the boys feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, my little fellow, you'll feel more comfortable now!"
As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up to her face with tears in his eyes, he asked the kind lady, "Are you God's wife??"
Some new billboards are getting deserved attention in Dallas, the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.
Let's meet at my house
Sunday before the game.
~ God ~
C'mon over and bring the kids
~ God ~
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
~ God ~
We need to talk.
~ God ~
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
~ God ~
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
~ God ~
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
~ God ~
I love you and you and you and you and...
~ God ~
Will the road you're on get you to my place? Follow me.
~ God ~
Big bang theory ~ you've got to be kidding.
~ God ~
My way is the highway.
~ God ~
~ God ~
You think it's hot here?
~ God ~
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
~ God ~
Do you have any idea where you're going?
~ God ~
(And my personal favorite...)
Don't make me come down there.
~ God ~
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties...
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
...A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.
It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear".
ARE YOU OUT THERE?
A little boy, who was very much afraid of the dark, was told by his mother to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there... It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure . He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him." she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?
I Never Thought About It Like This...
A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather one morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school.
As the day progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl was worried that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of the thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword.
Being concerned, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. Soon she saw her daughter walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look and smile. One followed another, each with the little girl stopping, looking at the streak of light and smiling.
Finally, the mother called her over to the car and asked, "What are you doing?"
The child answered, "God keeps taking pictures of me."
Praise the Lord!!
My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!" Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door. The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!" The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, old woman, and there ain't no Lord."
Grandmother raised her hands high above her head and replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food, but you made the devil pay for it!"
Life is changed,† not taken away.
Page updated 10-27-09
Designed, Created, Maintained by:
Mom ~ November 27, 1999
İMarilyn Jeffries, Reflection of the Echo, 1974-2009
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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